


I Won't Let You Down

by Millijana



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Earthborn (Mass Effect), F/M, Strong Language, possibe talk of underage drug use, possible talk of child abuse in her past, sexual content later, shega
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-23
Updated: 2014-03-24
Packaged: 2018-01-16 18:21:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1357336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Millijana/pseuds/Millijana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Commander Mirella "Ella" P. Shepard is a marine through and through. Anything that'd make her job more complicated is off the table. She'd lived by this rules her whole career, because she wants to get the Job done and she'd made her experiences when these things interfere. James Vega is also a marine. He as well has faced the feeling of having his personal feelings interfering with his decisions. They both try to keep feelings out of their job, and think they can. Until they meet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. On Earth

She could hear the hissing of the door and looked up from the data pad. "James," she greeted her visitor.  
There were only a few people who were allowed to see her and Lieutenant James Vega was one of them. And even less of her visitors did her the favor to visit her even if she not had to be accompanied somewhere, or nothing had to be brought to her.  
In fact, with very few exceptions nobody trusted her enough to speak with her more than necessary. They gave her matter of facts, they answered her questions, but none of them asked the big ‘Why’. Everyone was waiting for the decision of her guilt or innocence, so that they themselves had not to worry about it more than necessary.  
Lt. James Vega was not one of them. He had the balls to ask why she had blown up a mass relay and had sacrificed more than 300,000 Batarians. And he had even given thought about the answer.  
When you saw the guy for the first, you were quick to brand him as a typical Marine, who had not much more to offer than his enormous muscles. He did not show it often, but he was an intelligent man. 

That evening, when her command had been withdrawn from her for an indefinite period and she was no longer an official member of the Alliance, he had been the first to choose one side, if there was something like sides on this matter: “They won’t be able to keep you from active service for long. By the time Reapers knocking on the door, they’ll ask for your help.”  
He stood at the door and was about to leave. He had said nothing when she had been silent on the way back from the conference hall. He had just looked briefly at her as she had gotten up from her chair and taken her place at his side, to accompany her back to her room.  
The moment before he left the apartment, he looked at her for the first time again directly. “These bureaucrats are well aware that they are dependent on you, and that's the reason why you are still here and have not been dishonorably discharged and rot in a real cell. The Alliance needs you.” He sighed. “Doesn’t help much right now, but I'm pretty sure that this bunch of men in blues here try to prove the galaxy they have Commander Shepard under control.” He paused. “They don’t, but they have to make the rest believe it.”  
She had just been able to address a tired “Thank you, Lieutenant Vega, I appreciate it" at him and then lay on her bed. Her bed... no, the bed. Her bed was in the ship, which was just undergoing a major overhaul to make it fit back in the Alliance fleet. Sometimes she wondered if she herself was still belonging here, if she would ever fit back in. Or if too much had happened, she had changed too much. Anderson was optimistic and Hackett had never ruled out that there would be a solution. And yet she doubted.  
“James,” he had corrected her before he left. An offer she hadn’t make use of since then.

“Commander,” James came in and nodded to her. In his hand he held a small stack of data pads.  
Shepard had asked him a few days ago, if it was possible that she would receive information about a few things. You would like a little more informed than were to her by the common news. James had said he would see what he can do, and now he came with data pads that were obviously not simple books.  
“That's all I was able to grab for the moment.”  
She had to smile. “Thank you, I would not even have expected that they let you back. After all, you carried on a request from me, and that can obviously just mean for them that I have you wrapped around my finger.”  
He shrugged and grinned. “Actually, they were relatively helpful and immediately said that they’d see what they can do.” He tossed the pads onto the sofa on which she sat grinning, not looking up from the pads. “And they seem not to have gotten to the thing with the finger. Or it does not seem to bother them.”  
Shepard moved her gaze with a frown from the data pads to him. Was it he serious? It was his job to watch her, not to flirt with her.  
He seemed to have seen her gaze, for he laughed. “Ever the professional, huh?”  
She sighed before she averted her gaze. “It seems, even if I basically am not a professional anymore.”  
“That’s bullshit, and you should know that, Shepard. You ...” He trailed off as he realized that he had just slipped the ‘Commander’ he usually used to address her.  
Shepard had to smile and looked at him again. “If I were still the professional you think me to be, I would have it your way. Instead, I take the opportunity to leave out you rank in the future, too.”  
James shook his head and lifted a corner of his mouth. “Fine, take at it as you will. The fact remains that you are who you are.”  
“Yah, it does not change, but that is the problem if we are to believe the blues.”  
He snorted contemptuously. "Sure, because they have managed to keep you here after you have delivered yourself. These are pendejos who do not listen to the only person who could help them to sort all this shit out. Instead, they pat each other on the back that they keep you small and let you think the way you are thinking right now.”  
“You can tell them at the next opportunity that you've seen through it all. They will surely be impressed.” She took the first data pad in her hand and pretended she did not notice him further. 

When he closed the door behind him, she dropped the data pad and sighed. God, now she had probably chased away the only guy who had at least tried to be a friend.  
And it was not even that he was wrong. She knew exactly what was happening and it made her incredibly angry that she still could not do anything. It made her furious that it was necessary that one of her guards had to remember her. At some point she had just stopped thinking about it and resigned to her fate. Four months in which she was stuck in this fucking room and could do nothing except read in the few reports that were available to her through common channels. She had the feeling to have read every damn book and watched every damn TV-show of the last 30 years. For God’s sake, it was making you wanna puke. And worse was that she had almost given up. She had almost forgotten that she was Commander Shepard. Not just Ella Shepard.  
But she had given too much, to ever could be again Ella Shepard, the private person, the civilian. Her job had always been in the first place, and suddenly there was nothing. They had taken everything from her, even with what she had identified herself most.  
“Shit, dammit ...!” She murmured, and threw the data pad back to the stack. Rather than give her self-pity, which scraped hard on her, she moved quickly to her workout clothes and stepped onto the treadmill. 

During the first week she had used every spare minute to keep herself fit. But she had dropped back to the minimum after that. And the minimum meant an hour of exercises she had carried out for years on every damn day, when she had not been avoiding gunshots, or got hit by them sometimes. That was the only way to let off steam, which was left to her.  
The treadmill in front of the window was not necessarily the same as a real run through a space station or even real air outside on the ground, but it gave her after some time the same liberating feeling  
But basically, she could be thankful that the Alliance gave her some exercise equipment at her disposal.  
Her Biotics she held with small exercises at bay. She could not remember the last time when her skills hat not been used over a period for more than a day or two - where she was conscious - to make fire under someone's ass.  
But would she do it again when the blues, as James had called them so fondly, would need her again. Then they would call after her.  
Her defiance told her that she should show them her middle finger and should let these bums see how they should deal with their shit. Only ... it was not "their” shit.  
This was addressing everyone. And that was more important than her fucking ego trip - even if some people would have earned it.  
No, not just her ass... every fucking ass in this shitty galaxy. How ridiculous it sounded, because there would be casualties; lots of them. Especially those who could not defend themselves anyway: Residents of colonies or homeplanets. They would die first. Most of the soldiers were on space stations or on starships when they were not exactly on vacation or shore leave.  
She would ... now for now she should see that she came out here again, otherwise she would be among the first victims. 

She was secretly grateful to the Lieutenant that he had become clear. They did not talk about it again, but she could not hide the change, which he had triggered in her. She knew she would get her chance. The wait made her still mad, but patience has never been one of her strengths. 

 

It was a Saturday afternoon when James entered her cell. Okay, cell was a somewhat exaggerated term, considering the features, but ultimately it was nothing more than a luxury prison.  
She was sitting on the couch after a shower and looked at a few of the reports that James had brought her a few days earlier.  
“Get up, Commander.”  
She turned her head when the strong guy entered the room the room and stopped right after passing the door frame. He almost grinned. Shepard raised her eyebrows a little to send the silent question, why she should follow his ‘command’.  
“We make a trip,” he answered without delay.  
“Ah,” she put the report aside and knelt on the couch and leaned her forearms on the backrest, so that she was facing him now. “And where, should I be allowed to go?”  
“Would not be a surprise if I tell you already, right?”  
“Only if it should be a surprise.”  
He shrugged. “Was not my idea, but I am the one who is allowed to accompany you.”  
She sighed. “Fine, will be a nice variety seeing something different than this room.”  
“I thought it has another bedroom," grinned Vega.  
"Yes, but usually I have my eyes closed there, so not much to see.” She grinned a little and swung himself over the back of the sofa and followed James out.  
She said nothing as another of her guards, Alan, if she remembered correctly, also followed them. He stayed behind them while James was walking relaxed beside her.  
Ella wondered if James was aware that the two Marines could easily be put out of action by her and she would be able to escape if she wanted to.  
He probably knew that, but also that she would not do that. She frowned surprised, as he pressed the elevator button for the ground floor. She noticed how her heart began to beat faster and her biotic abilities come to life. The slight buzzing in her neck that spread on her skin. She did not want to crow too soon, but hope grew up slightly.  
In this building the ground floor did not lead to an exit. To actually leave the building they would first have to enter the other tower. In this part of the building there were only training grounds at the bottom. Some were in smaller buildings or on the outside, depending on its origin.  
She did not dare to believe that there was a possibility to let her do some training, but on the other hand, why would James lead her here, if not. She tried to keep herself calm and her anticipation at bay.

Only when he really entered the code for the door to the Biotic Training Ground, she let the anticipation draw a smile on her lips.  
“Who did you bribe to get me here?”  
“As I said, was not even my idea. Not really the least.”  
“Not really, huh?”  
He just shrugged again. “Maybe I have dropped in the right places that you are somewhat underutilized.”  
She whistled approvingly. “Not bad lieutenant. And I bet Anderson was pretty fast converted to your side.”  
He did not answer her question but pointed into the room: “The deal is: Every three days, one hour.”  
“Every three days?” She could not quite believe what she had just heard. “On a regular basis? Sounds almost like a reward.”  
“Good conduct, I would say. Just an idea.”  
She laughed softly and then took a few steps forward. She hesitated a moment before she finally felt how the implants came to life after such a long time. With all the little exercises, she had not dared to put too much energy into the nodes of her implants, but here? Here she let them all shine brightly and enjoyed the feeling as she was surrounded by the bright blue aura. How it straightened all the little hairs on her body and let her finally feel a little more like herself. 

James watched as Shepard was standing in the room and the blue flicker of her Biotics were wandering on her bronze skin. Biotics were something that he had always showed respect to. If one has a haunch of what he’s doing, he could run with ease in seconds a massacre. He had seen some hard stunts and even heard more of what she could do. If he believed the stories, she was found usually in the deepest melee combat, where she played bowling with the opponents and then shooting anyone who was still twitching with well-aimed shots; just with her side arm. They told her to be cold and calculating with her opponents. But to be always standing before her team. Her stunt on Elysium was already a legend.  
He leaned against the wall behind him and crossed his arms over his chest. He would just enjoy the show.

Shepard had stood silent for a few moments, now she flared even more and then suddenly catapulted herself like a bolt to the other end of the room with a charge and then she released a shockwave that blinded him up to this point and smashed the crates that stood there against the walls.  
She paused for a moment, eyes closed and a leisurely smile on her lips. He had to admit, he had looked forward to a show, but this also had some merit. She opened her dark eyes again and they flashed before she returned to his side of the room and pulled out of her twist one of the boxes in her direction before seconds later she hurled it with a Nova back to the wall.

He grinned as she continued charging through the room and to execute various maneuvers with her skills. She laughed when she managed to have a chest pass her only by millimeters and then push it with another Nova on the wall behind her, processing it to scraps.  
James was not quite sure if they wouldn’t get in any trouble when she simply destroyed the training ground. ‘Nah,’ he thought, ‘they'd have to expect that after four months.’  
He shook his head. She was more than a hurricane she was a fucking force of nature. And he began to believe in the stories he’d heard. He was impressed with how controlled her movements became after she had blown of some steam. Every movement was precisely calculated and the smile did not disappear again from her lips. She enjoyed it and did not even try to hide it.  
He even caught himself, as he began to grin and wondered how she had to be on the battlefield, a gun in her hand.  
He also wondered something else, what he would not admit, however, not even in thought. But he knew it would haunt him later, even if he would dismiss it for now.

Ella came to a standstill when the siren sounded, which informed her that her time was up. She closed her eyes and breathed deeply. She was doing a lot better than an hour ago. And she could not wait to come back.  
As she turned to Vega, she still could not hide her smile.  
“There has been bottled-up a bit?”  
“Slightly.”  
He shook his head and grinned. “Was not to be unnoticed.”  
She grinned a little more and walked towards the exit. “I can’t expect them to let me on the shooting range?”  
He snorted in amusement and shook his head as she gave him a look over her shoulder. “Not even Anderson could manage that.”  
She laughed relaxed as they left the practice room, and she was taken back to her room.


	2. Commands

 

Two months later, it was Shepard who knocked sense into James; with a much louder voice. But as angry as he was and was built up in front of her, she was only able to impress him if she was more menacing than he.  
No, she did not like it that they were on their way to the Citadel. And yes, she did not want to leave earth either. It felt as if she would let everyone down. Most of all Anderson. He was not only her superior and her mentor, but also a good friend. There was truth in what he’d said. Getting help would help this war more than squishing husks and other Reaper creatures on Earth.

James ditched her once more. But this time he was the one who did not want to continue talking to her. But he turned around after Joker introduced Hackett’s call.

The Mars archives. What was there that would help them? She did not understand, but she understood that she had to follow Hackett’s commands. That it was the only thing at the moment, which made sense in this goddamn chaos and gave her at least a degree of certainty.  
As hard as she tried here to fulfill her role and resume her old role, as hard she tried to hide that they had no idea what to do. Convince the Council. Yah, sure because in the past that had proven to be so simple. The good advices and their imaginary quotes and their kind offers of help. Sure, that was a really good plan. Unfortunately, it was the only one they had at the moment. Apart from Mars. It gave her time to sort things out in her head. She could concentrate on something different than this strange crew situation in which she found herself in.  
Kaidan, who was now her superior, but somehow still was under her command. They had never had the opportunity to bury their differences, or to bring clarity to their friendship. Were they still friends? Was he still the loyal comrade in arms? Or was his mistrust too big? He had not called on her while she’d been in custody. He surely could have, if he’d wanted to. He had been able to overcome the security of Cerberus a year ago, when he wanted her to know he was sorry. She looked at her armor, which was lying here in front of her on a work bench.  
"Mars? Why Mars?"  
She turned as she hardly answered him. "I do not know. But if Hackett sends us there, there will be a reason. Get ready.”

When she felt the comforting familiar feeling of her armor, the weapons in their holsters, she was finally whole again. There was now only one thing that still distracted her. She had to sort this out before they arrived on Mars. She had to rely on the two of them completely.  
Of Kaidan, she knew that he was a pro, she had known him for too long, had worked too close with him, to fear the matter between them would affect their work. They had to clear that up, but that could wait. On the way to the Citadel they’d had enough time.

"Lieutenant Vega?"  
"Yeah?"  
"Come with me." Her tone was a command; loud, clear and uncompromising. Yes, she was herself again. Kaidan glanced at them when they passed him. He knew that her voice didn’t mean anything good. She had never addressed him in this tone and he was actually glad that he didn’t have to find out what it was like.  
She waited at the elevator door for James to join her, pointing him to enter before she followed him.  
"EDI? Lock the elevator."  
"Yes, Shepard," said the disembodied voice of the ship's AI.  
Only then she turned to Vega and glared at him with her dark eyes. "What was that?"  
He looked at her speculatively, but said nothing.  
"If you’re not able to grasp it, I'll help you here: It was a command to leave earth and to make our way to the Citadel. Like it’s been a command from Hackett that we head to Mars.” She took a break and a threatening step towards him, her finger pointing at his chest. "And now I give you a command, because it is back in my power to do it: you fucking pull yourself together again, Vega! It’s not easy for any of us, but it's a fucking command and as hard to understand as it may be, it makes sense.”  
"Commander ..." he began, but was interrupted by her.  
"Save it! I have no idea what awaits us there on Mars, but we’re send there by Hackett, he undoubtedly expects a lot of trouble. And I need you sane and focused. I must be able to rely on you and not have to worry that your anger will overcome you. Focus on the mission!"  
She raised a threatening finger she pointed it at him. "I expect professionalism from you and not some whining about a command you don’t like. You’re too much of a Marine to behave like this. I'm your Commanding Officer and if you don’t like it you can talk to authorities about it. You should start with the Major, who’ll tell you that I have neither time for this nor do I care. He’ll also be able to tell you that we are interdependent of each other and every one of us has to have a clear mind. You want to get back to Earth? Fine, like I said, it’s free for you to leave the Normandy on the Citadel and to see that you find a return flight. But until then, I won’t accept anything like this. We have received orders from Admirals, and I'm Commander and you’re Lieutenant, if the chain of command tells you something, you will understand what we have to do. Got it?"  
He nodded once. Hell, he understood. "Aye."  
"Then make sure you to get out there and be ready, James. EDI? Elevator free again.” She threw a glance at James, as he went out and stayed where she was.

She waited until the doors closed, then leaned against the wall and closed her eyes for a moment and took a deep breath.  
She had been harsher than she had intended. But she wouldn’t risk the lives of the two men, because James was absent-minded. She could have his back easily, but who stayed on Kaidan’s? It was not often necessary to step in for him and she was sure there was more than one reason he had been promoted, however, it was her job to keep her team safe. She was in charge and she would not let them die on her.  
Sure, she understood him, she felt exactly as he had just shown in the Shuttle Bay. But she had to be a role model. It was her job to keep this small team safe.  
And apart from all this, Liara would be in the Mars archives. Liara was anything but helpless and her position as the Shadow Broker had given her the necessary hardness to use whatever was available to her, but she remained a single person, with God knows what a superior force against her. She was a friend that needed to be saved; again. She had to smile a bit about it, but forced it back before she left the elevator.  


 

 **Later:**  
  
She was so pissed when she ran after that stupid Mech. A Mech, or AI, or God knows who had stolen their fucking data. Important data, she would need. They had to ensure that Cerberus did not get it. She dodged the plasma projectiles from that thing again and again, while chasing it.

Data, Liara had researched for over months to conjure up some prothean blueprints, which should help them to destroy the Reapers. And Cerberus mustn’t get them under any circumstances. That was the reason Liara had been here on Mars, why Hackett had sent Ella here: to collect Liara and protect her. Before it did fall into wrong hands or it could be destroyed before the Alliance had a copy of it.  
And this said data now ran in front of her on this fucking landing platform of this even more fucking research facility.

  
She yelled into her headset when the Mech was picked up by a shuttle and they were on their way to leave Mars and the archives.  
She saw her own Kodiak approaching but was sure that it was too late. But James surprised her, when he headed at full tilt for the other shuttle, which just took four more yards between them and the landing platform.  
When she realized what James was about to do and she also realized she, Kaidan and Liara were in danger, she yelled even more into her headset; but because of the storm she was not sure if she had been heard. She cursed, but she heard James suddenly over her headset that he got this. By having things under control she understood something different, but the data would not leave Mars; Kaidan had prevented the upload and James prevented the shuttle from leaving the planet.  
They avoided the crashing shuttles and Shepard immediately tried to determine whether there were wounded in their team, but Kaidan was already back on his feet and waved his hand, as Shepard approached him and wanted to help. It was all right, and he would take care of Liara, who had gone on the other side of the crash in coverage.  
Shepard even went to the door of the shuttle and saw that James was already on the way out. She saw him through the visor of the helmet grin and she was not able to hold back her own grin as a response. He was obviously alright and he had followed her yell for help. She was not sure if she was angry at the audacity of his action, or just happy to see him healthy.  
She patted him on the arm just as she was a loud clank and scraps of Kaidans voice heard through the headset.  
Shepard lunged around the Kodiak and saw the Mech having Kaidan taken by his helmet and struck him repeatedly against the burning Cerberus shuttle.  
She heard herself, but did not know what she said. Her mind stopped and she just acted, she had to turn the Mech off.  
The Mech reacted to her gun shots, let Kaidan sink to the floor and started to run towards her, until it eventually fell to the floor right in front of Shepard. She immediately put away her gun and gestured to James to take the thing with them. She also told him that, but she was not sure how well the communication in the still worsening storm worked. James, however, seemed to have understood her, what let Shepard focus back on Kaidan. She could see his nostrils swelling, as she turned him around on his back. She could also hear a slight moan over the headset as she picked him up.  
She felt the panic on the edge of her consciousness. Her first assignment and of all things that could possibly go wrong Kaidan got injured. They had no trained medical personnel on board.  
How could she let that happen? On the way to the infirmary their thoughts rotated. She told herself again and again that they were soldiers; they knew that something like this could happen, but it didn’t make her feel any better. On the contrary. It was her job to protect her team.  
She was furious. James should not have ... no, she had ordered him to take action and to do what he had been trained for, what they all had been trained for: get the job done. She had almost begged into her headset that someone would do something. And that's what he had done. They had all thought that the Mech had been destroyed in the crash.  
It had been her task to make sure of it and not to congratulate James for a daring enterprise. She had let herself go instead of concentrating. And the result of which now lay before her on the table. Unconscious. Hematomas were already around his eyelids. Presumably fractures of the skull.  
She didn’t do this often, but she prayed that he would get through this. She had not had an opportunity to prove to him that he could trust her. She did not want him to die. Had she been with him faster, would have ignored James and looked after him and Liara ... Then she would not have noticed if James would have been injured.  
She couldn’t save them all. No matter how much she wanted it. She had seen enough death and destruction. She ... she was thinking primarily for selfish reasons this way. She didn’t want to live with the knowledge that Kaidan hadn’t trusted her. She wanted her friend to be alive, so she felt better. He did not deserve to die. It was her fault, if he'd never fulfill his romantic but justified dream of a woman who loved him and respected him, who made him happy.

Ella had wanted to prove to him that his doubts in her were ungrounded. That he could trust her. That she was still herself. She still felt the sting that his accusation had left within her. And he hadn’t been completely wrong. It had been fucking convenient that Cerberus had shown up right before they had arrived on Mars. Okay, yes he had been wrong, but his mistrust was at least partly understandable. He could not comprehend how one could jump ships. He still hadn’t understood that she had never been on Cerberus’ side but had tried to boycott them as much as she had been able to.

She had thought about this after they had found the distorted Cerberus soldier and he had asked her if that had been what they had done to her. Had it been worry about her? Or about the Alliance?

 

Liara she pulled out of her thoughts and Ella gave the order to set course for the Citadel. Her original plan, collect Liara and inform the Council on the new knowledge.

  
Hackett was waiting for her in the comm room. He also reminded her once again about the fact that Kaidan was a Marine. _Yes_ , she thought, _but that doesn’t’ make this shit any better._  
  
Liara looked worried, as the two talked a moment later. Ella was dismissive. She did not want to hear that it wasn’t her fault. Damn it had been her job. And once again she had made a decision that had consequences for one of her crew members.

They were on their way to the mass relay when Ella went back to her cabin and tried to catch some shut eye. Liara had mentioned it wouldn’t be so bad if she would be a bit more rested before facing the council.

And she was right. In a bad mood she was even more insufferable than usually.

 

She dreamt. As dark and bleak as her thoughts had been when she had gone to bed.

When Ella woke up she felt even more exhausted than before and regretted to have tried to sleep at all instead of doing something different. Like sitting beside Kaidan’s cot. Basically everything would have made more sense than this dream where she had chased figments and decisions she regretted, and would never make peace with. She wasn’t sure if that wasn’t the first sign of losing her mind but pushed that thought aside when she decided to go down to the Medbay and check up on Kaidan.

But she didn’t make it far because she was intercepted first by Liara and then by Specialist Traynor even before she made it to the elevator.

First of them tried again to calm Ella down and this time she even backed down a bit and admitted to the Asari not have had the greatest rest in existence.

Traynor on the other hand informed her about all the irrelevant crap the Alliance had changed throughout the past six months.  Shepard tried to fake interest and looked at everything that was shown to her on the data pad, but didn’t even try to memorize everything of it. If she would get lost on her own ship, someone would surly start to look for her quickly.

Traynor herself seemed to be a nice person, and even if she didn’t feel like it, Shepard was friendly during the conversation. It was almost cute how she was almost surprised about EDI’s true nature and apologized for the remark about EDI’s voice. But Ella agreed in silence. Cerberus actually had made a good decision concerning the voice AI’s voice.

 

Shepard went down into the mess only to find id completely empty and sat down at one of the tables. It was strange to sit here when it was quiet like this. Sure, the Normandy wasn’t an actually big ship, just a frigate, but still – usually there were at least one or two people of the crew in here. She could watch Kaidan from her chair and sighed. They had sat here often and had talked. Now Liara was with him again, checking his vitals and making sure there were no complications. Doing what was in her power. The Asari smiled when their glances met and Ella tried to return it. Liara was trying to encourage Ella. Just that it didn’t work so well. Apparently he was still in the same state since they had left Mars.

Shepard startled up when a cup of coffee was placed in front of her.

“You look like you need it,” James commented her glance.

She looked back down to the cup and then again, back to James who had stopped beside her. “Yeah, thanks. It definitely doesn’t hurt.”

“Had to take a lot, the Major.”

She nodded and a sigh left her lips. “Yah. I hope he’s as tough as I remember him.”

James nodded and took a sip from his mug. Ella noticed he was hesitating on asking something. More than once he looked at her out of the corners of her eyes and looked back to the medbay window.

“Ask, if you wanna know.” She looked at him directly when he turned his head.

“Why doesn’t he believe you?”

She didn’t miss that he was still talking of Kaidan in the present tense and she was grateful for it. “About Cerberus?”

James nodded.

She sighed smiling. Not because it was funny, but because she understood and an outsider didn’t. She had to smile because James seemed to be genuinely interested in it. It was none of his business, yet he had the balls to ask. “It’s not about believing or not. I’m pretty sure he does believe me. He believes that I believe what I am telling him. But it’s about trust. I think I’m still the same person; most of the times at least. He can’t believe that so easily. We have seen together what Cerberus was doing, have shot them arrested them, without regret. Because it was the right thing.” She made a brief pause. “For Kaidan many things are black and white, and Cerberus is one of them. They experiment on humans, even worse on children. He had rather tossed himself out of the airlock before he’d worked with or for them...”

James snorted disbelievingly.

“He can’t trust me, because he thought I think the same way about this. Fuck, before I came back from the dead I have thought like that.” Ella shook her head. “But it isn’t that easy. Also not for him. When you saw how someone, a friend died, and then two years later they suddenly stand in front of you, it’s not so easy to not get the idea it might be some clone you are talking to.”

“He could just have asked you something only the two of you knew.”

She smiled again humorless. “Cerberus is almost as scary as the Shadow Broker. Just that they use their knowledge for their personal gains. They know everything and what they don’t know they find out rather quickly. They have operatives in all positions and departments.

“That they do,” he replied grimly. He seemed to have his experiences with them

“Retrospective they probably had some operative working on the SR-1 and have bugged the whole fucking ship. So they would have known everything that had been spoken aboard, every detail. I think the only things they don’t know about me are the years back on Earth. So basically everything that happened before the Alliance. And ‘sides, I don’t think he would have believed it on Horizon. I had planned to clear the air now, being on our way to the Citadel.

“Then you’re doin’ it later, when he’s back on his feet.”

She smiled half-heartedly at him; grateful for his attempt to encourage her. “Yah seems, like I have to be patient for just a bit longer.”

James looked at her thoughtfully for one more moment, but then took another sip from his coffee.

Ella lifted her cup as well and looked down at it. Black. He hadn’t even asked how she’d drink it. Probably just a good guess.

She made a face after the first sip and remembered that you have to get used to the coffee on vessels – to put it mildly. And after she’d had relatively good coffee on earth lately it would take some time. Or just a bit more stress, until she wouldn’t give a fuck about the taste of the coffee as long as it contained caffeine – people said she’d also drink tar.

 

“Shepard, ETA T-30,” Joker told her via intercom.

Ella rose from her chair and lifted her mug in James’ direction, like she wanted to drink a toast to him. “Thanks, for the coffee, James.”

“Anytime.”

She smiled – this time a true one – and then left for the elevator to change her clothes and be ready to face the Council on the Citadel. Even if the calm atmosphere on the Normandy made you believe different, they were in a hurry. But she had stopped long ago to run over the different deck like a headless chicken and drive the crew mad.

That didn’t help her and not anybody else. Stay calm. Always. Control over the situation was her key. And she had to get it back.


	3. Old Friends And Heroes

Her head was buzzing. Picking up the Primarch from Menae. Right. Piece of cake. The moon of a planet that’s heavily assaulted by reaper forces. The planet on which probably Garrus was on right now. The turian councilor had offered the help of his species, but that would only be possible if Ella managed to secure the Primarch.

But there was also the very small possibility that she found someone who’d be able to tell her where Garrus was and when they’d gotten the last life sign from him. Now that Kaidan was out and she didn’t know if James would stay she needed someone who understood her. Liara was all good and well and a friend but not like the others.

Ella sighed at the thought of Kaidan. It hadn’t been as hard as she had thought to leave his hospital room. He’d been past the worst and was in good hands, Dr. Michelle would take care of him and Ella didn’t question for one second that that was possibly the best that could happen to Kaidan, well except from a treatment by Dr. Chakwas, but she gladly had re-joined the Normandy crew.

But the main reason because leaving had been easy was that she knew that there was absolutely nothing she could do for Kaidan. She had to concentrate to do what was expected of her. And that was for sure not sitting at his bedside and wait for him to open his eyes, but ending this damned war. And that didn’t happen from a hospital room, but with a weapon in her hand out there on a battlefield. And that would be Menae for now.

She pushed the picture of him, lying in his bed, tubes in his veins and the oxygen mask on his face into the back of her mind and forced her thoughts back onto the mission.

But for said mission she’d need someone at her side, who thought like her. Someone who could take a blow from her when she was angry and who understood her. She could handle the rest. Okay, it would also be fantastic to have some more actual and maybe even experienced soldiers aboard. Without Kaidan and James she’d be the only one with a military background and planet side experience. Not that it would stop her, but it would be helpful nonetheless.

 

Ella walked towards the elevator that should take her to the shop area of the presidium, when she had to stop slightly surprised. Hadn’t he said this part of the citadel wasn’t for him? She shrugged and closed the distance between them.

“Hey.”

“Shepard. Liara told me the Council is not interested in helpin’ us.”

“Something like that.” She looked at him out of the corners of her eyes. Us? Did that mean he’d stay?

“Huh, why would they. Look at this place. There is no war here. People are whisperin’ about it, they’re talkin’ about it. But they don’t really believe it.”

She couldn’t hold back the ironic grin. “I take it’s your first time here, with the… elite of the galaxy?”

James lifted his shoulders in a brief shrug. “I’ve been to the Citadel, but never up here on the presidium. It’s… not right. It looks pretty, calm and peaceful – but it’s not right. It’s all just an illusion.”

Ella lowered her gaze for a brief moment. “It was peaceful. Once.”

James made a disbelieving gesture. “But was it? Really? I mean when push comes to shove they gonna just turtle up, hope it don’t hit them too, right? They rather believe in this…” He made a gesture towards the neat presidium gardens behind him. “…than face the truth.”

“They are in for a rude awakening. Every species will fall, one by one if they don’t work with us.”

“No shit. Can’t believe it’s even up to debate.”

Ella nodded. She knew exactly what he meant. But talking about it any further wouldn’t help them making the Council see reason. But actions would. And preferably before one of the homeworlds would fall.

“So… you still wanna go back to earth?”

“Hell, yeah… but…”

She raised an eyebrow. “But?”

“You were right. So was Anderson. We can’t stop them alone. Besides, looks you gonna have your hands full convincing these _pendejo_ politicians to help us. And I’m all for it, whatever it takes.”

“Glad to hear it.” She smiled lightly. Her words were no overestimation.

She was glad – fucking glad to be more precise. When they set off for Menae she’d have one experienced soldier on her team. And besides that, was James’ presence on the Normandy was nice and he seemed to fit in with the crew. Or what she understood of a crew. She had had neither the time nor the mind to get to know every one of the crew so far.

 

The Normandy was dated for departure in six hours. The crew was still on shore leave and the ship almost empty. Some more would join the crew here on the Citadel to have a full functioning frigate once they left.

 

Ella decided against staying on the Citadel for longer than necessary and instead took care of restocking and incoming sitreps.

At her wish EDI informed Ella about returning crew members, while she worked. So she would know their name and task aboard. She visited some of them when they returned to their posts and had some brief conversation. Something she took serious as CO, knowing her crew. That had been the way she had learned it and the way she would continue to practice it, even during war.

Personnel that had been assigned on Hackett’s order here at the Citadel were announced as well and their service records were sent to her private terminal. She didn’t read all of them, only until someone with a special position was announced. Some she would actually like to meet in person.

She met Lt. Cortez in the shuttle bay. He would be her shuttle pilot from now on. So no more crash landings caused by James. Or probably. Because James and Cortez seem to know each other and had some amusing conversation while she was down there and what made her smile during her own very pleasurable conversation with Cortez. He was a nice guy who had just lost his husband. Another victim to the Collectors. Another colony wiped out of its habitants. And Cortez was one of the very few lucky survivors – whereas lucky was a very relative term in his situation.

She was so sick of all this crap.

That James was back already had surprised her already when EDI had told her about it. And when she was almost about to leave the shuttle bay, she decided otherwise and walked towards him, and the little corner he’d gotten comfortable in. Even if she knew him for about half a year she knew almost nothing about him. Maybe she should talk to him as well.

Ella could have just asked EDI for his service record, but she preferred the personal conversation. But said conversation took an unexpected term. He wanted to play? Fine. He could have it… if he could stem it. She hadn’t prevailed against all these men in her career to let some basic flirting throw her off balance. That was usual intercourse on vessels.

“Actually I came to talk, but I could as well stay for the show,” she retorted relaxed to the question why she had come down here. What made him jump the wagon and tell her that she had to try harder to make him blush. She grinned. Fine – if he wanted that…

That he would ask her for a spar while talking surprised her, but came convenient. She hadn’t told him her opinion about his stunt on Mars and that would give her the option to punch him in his face for it.

But she waited. She let him talk first. About his assignment on Fehl Prime, about his CO Cpt. Toni. About the Collectors and about the decision he had to make between the colonists or the intel, that had proved to be worthless in the end, because she had blown the Collectors to hell.

Ella understood. “You didn’t know that. You can’t blame yourself, Vega.”

“Who says I’m blaming myself?” He replied with his next jab.

“I do,” was her reply when she hit his face. He was too unconcentrated. He was thinking about it too much to dodge her blows.

“You a shrink, too??”

“No.” ‘Stupid asshole’ she called him on her mind while she blocked his next jab. “But that stunt on Mars was reckless. You’re lucky to be alive.”

“so?”

“So… Maybe you don’t care if you live or die.”

“Or maybe… I’m just willing to do whatever the fuck it takes to end thin goddamn war!”

He was so upset that he didn’t see it coming that she’d use his next hit as a possibility to get him on his back. “Maybe you are, but if you are half as good as I think you are, we need you alive,” she said standing above him.

He got back onto his feet and walked past her while she was still talking. After a moment he turned around. “Thanks for the pep talk.”

She lifted one corner of her mouth. “Anytime.”

Ella was already about to leave when he raised his voice once again. “Hey, thanks for the dance, lola.”

She hesitated for a second, but then turned around again. “Lola, huh?”

“You kinda look like a lola.”

She first raised one of her eyebrows, but had to grin very soon. Nicks were common in the military. And this one was at least not one of those ridiculous ones. And it gave her an opportunity. She grinned bit wider and placed one hand on her hip. “You’re cute. So I let you get away with it – for now.” She pushed one strand of her hair behind her ears and then turned around to head for the elevator at the far end of the shuttle bay.

“That’s it. Now you made me blush,” he called after her laughing.

 

Menae was a success. On more than one account. Not only that they had secured the Primarch, the new one that was. They also didn’t have to look for Garrus.

He had been there before them. Reaper specialist and advisor Garrus. They had mocked him about it half of the way back to the Normandy.

Now they were sitting at a table in the mess and tried to compensate the used energy with food. Ella had already talked to Garrus and had also been the one forcing him to come with her. He shouldn’t even start to fucking calibrate anything. He would come with her and she would have a coffee and eat something and he would… well eat or drink something… anything.

James had joined them after a while and even Liara had left her den.

“And you are going to try to convince Wrex that turians are his friends?”

She grinned. “Nope, not even I can do that. But I will talk to him. Wouldn’t be the first time.”

“If I recall correctly there was someone with a loaded gun not even ten feet behind you… just in case if you ran out of arguments.”

“Well, then you know your task.”

“Yeah, great idea. Let the turian shoot the Krogan. That will certainly help with your peace treaties.”

“Not one bit. But as I see it, it doesn’t matter who shoots the Krogan.” Ella shrugged. “Because if we can’t convince Wrex, we won’t convince any of his people.”

“You got a point.”

“You had a discussion with a Krogan?” James sounded almost surprised.

Garrus had to laugh. “From a distance it looked more like they tried to kill each other with glances. Or shoot each other depending on whose fuses blew first.”

“Hey, I had everything absolutely under control. I just had to make him understand that I was right. And very clearly.”

“That was why Ash was standing ten feet behind you with her weapon locked and loaded.”

Ella sighed. “She was careful.” Her grin had vanished. Yeah, Ash had taken care about it, under Kaidan’s shocked views. She had been one of the best marines she’d known… “I-I… should talk to the Primarch…” Ella got up and took her coffee with her.

Everybody was looking after her.

“What was that?” James asked.

“Ashley and Shepard have been good friends.”

James looked at Liara. He needed a moment to understand. “She’s…”

But it was Garrus who nodded. “Yes. We had to leave her behind on Virmire. A hero’s death, but it had been Shepard who had to make the decision. Ash or Kaidan.”

“Ah, now I remember. Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams. Got promoted and honored post mortem for extraordinary achievements in the Service of the Alliance.

Liara was the one nodding now. “Shepard made sure of that and wouldn’t back off before the Alliance had agreed.”

“I can imagine that.”

“Not even in the slightest, boy.”

James looked at the turian when he got up.

“I think Udina didn’t let her enter his office after she was done with him for three weeks.”

“No shit?”

Liara laughed and nodded. “I saw the video file. He was more than pale after he had her removed from his office.”

“Her tantrum and the buzz after that were extremely amusing. At least we had half of Purgatory on our own.”

Liara laughed again. “True.”

James tried to imagine that and wasn’t surprised that it wasn’t so very hard. Commander Shepard scared away half of the guests in a night club and got away with it, because no one wants to deal with her and her crew.

It had gotten silent at the table all of a sudden, when Garrus suddenly turned around and left for the main batterie.

James looked questioningly at Liara. “And what was that about, doc?”

“The evening we were talking about… That was one week before the Normandy got destroyed. It had been our last shore leave before she…” She sighed after a small pause. “We don’t like to think about it.”

James nodded. It had been a shock for the whole galaxy. “Must’ve been hard.”

Liara smiled sadly. “More than that, Lieutenant.”

 

He was left alone, when also doc rose a moment later. Despite the sad memories that had made them left this crew was the craziest bunch of people he had ever met.

Even on Menae Vakarian hat fit into the team so seamless, that James had felt like the fifth wheel. The two of them didn’t need to talk, no commands; He knew what Shepard was about to do, even before she started to move. James had stood beside them and watched them while they had just looked at each other and nodded.

Sure, he had been able to follow them, but those two got perfectly together on the battlefield.

His thoughts started to run.

He could assume that it would be similar with Alenko. When the major was back on his feet, James could expect to be replaced in the ground team.

James grabbed his mug and rose from his chair.

A shit was gonna happen. He would earn this damn place on the ground team. He was far better than half as good as she thought. Under no circumstances he would stay on the ship while the rest of them had the fun down there. They could kiss _that_ goodbye.


End file.
